This is me
I think I was about 8 when I started to think for myself, I can remember going into my sisters room and taking her make up and running to the bath room and trying it on, it started with lip stick then other things like powder foundation, then it moved on to clothes, not that they fitted me at all, but they made me feel great for the first time, from then it all got out of control I wanted to do this every day but I knew if anyone ever found out I would be in trouble, so I hid it away never said anything, I was given cars action men, I played with them for a little bit, but I wanted my little sisters toys, when no one was looking I dressed her dolls put make up on her Girls world, after that I started to bury my toys in the garden, action men, cars everything went in the ground. I did find out years later that my mum noticed me do that to my toys.
As I got older I started to notice more and more I was different from other boys, I had no interest in being around boys my friends where 99% girls except for two others one was Gay and the other I thought was gay and had a crush on, now I am not saying I am gay but I do appreciate a good male body and he had a good body. when in my second year of high school I got very close to my male friend (not the one with the good body) we started doing everything together, I would say he was like a brother of sorts, and as I was the bigger and stronger of us both so I took over a protective role, any homophobic abuse was sorted very quick.
I then started feeling so bad feeling like I was not right, I was looking at girls thinking I want them shoes, or skirt this made me feel lost I did not know what was wrong with me, I started to dress more and more hiding away in the bath room, I even started wearing tights under my school trousers so I could feel a little normal, the feeling started to worsen over time to the point I wanted to just end it, I never knew what Transgender was I just thought I was doing something bad, so I did try and do something I found a rope and tried to end everything, it was all going to plan when someone caught me with it round my neck, to this day I thank who ever for my friend if he had not found me I would not be here now.
I then decided to put everything to the back of my head and everything went great for about a year, until I met a girl and we started to go out together, it was a year or a little less in to the relationship when all the feelings I was blocking come back with a vengeance and vengeance is a bit understated, I started using her make up dressing in her clothes and it was great she was also my shoe size so I had my choice of shoes and boots, the only problem was she did not know a thing about it, this went on for over a year and it was my fix it made me feel right in away, then one day I found out she was cheating on me and she wanted to end it, my first reaction was shock but that went quick and the feeling of not having an outlet was so overwhelming I started to panic thinking my life was over.
Again I put things in the back of my head and tried to block it out years went by and I knew it was still there, I was hurting every day the torture I went through I can not describe nor want to. After some years past I left school, and I met someone else who I had a child too, this relationship again broke down when my daughter was only months old, I then had to fight to even spend on minuet with her, but time passed, I was in and out of jobs, spending every second with my daughter, then one day I decided to start my own business, it started with small market work selling bits and bobs, I saved and saved until I had enough to expand and I did to a recycling centre. That was the start of something big, then out of know where all the locked away feelings come back worse than ever, like a storm it started growing and growing inside until I could no longer contain it, it was like someone just opened Pandora's box and everything I was for years being tormented by just exploded out.
Now I had a job lots of money and I started buying everything I could to a point, I still could not walk into a shop and buy clothes, so I started recycling clothes this was great as I had my choice of what ever I wanted. it was at this point I got my first place to live it was great I was alone no mum, dad, brothers or sisters around, I could do anything I wanted. I then started bringing my work home, after years and years of not being able to do what I wanted and hiding away, I filled a two bedroom flat full of clothes, shoes, make up anything I could get my hands on I put in the flat.
I was then presented with yet an other problem, my family started coming around, I could not hide the vast amount of female clothes I had accumulated, so it was at that point I started selling things, not everything just things I no longer could hide. now my flat was on the 10th floor and where I lived was not the best of places to say the least. A year went by nothing changed I still spent most nights dressed the way I wanted when my daughter was not with me, until one night it was late very cold and I was dressed had a black wig on and my make up was done, and for some reason I just put my coat on walked out the door got into the lift, now remember I lived on the tenth floor of one of the worst places in Liverpool at the time.
All I wanted to do was go out, I can remember I was wearing a green mini skirt with a combat belt and knee length boots, and I walked outside for the first time, the feeling was so great I never wanted to go back, so I started walking and walking until my feet hurt, I walked passed gangs of people, not one word was said, I did go home that night and sat down and looked in the mirror and thought to myself what the hell am I doing, at that point I don't know why I got everything I had accumulated and put it down the trash chute, everything was gone, I still to this day don't know why I did that.
I then again hid away some years passed and I met someone else who I fell in love with and then moved just on 100 miles to be with, I never once told her of my past, and again like someone opened the box again everything started to come back and this time I could not keep it out my head nothing was helping, I could not tell my partner so I said nothing, she then got pregnant with my wonderful son, I then knew I could never say anything ever, then my friend from school let the cat out of the bag, he told everything, the lot he never missed one little thing out, all that in a text message, to my shock and horror it was out I did not know what to do, I had never been in this situation before, I could not run I could not hide, I had to face up to everything and I did in the end, it did take some time. And to my shock she was ok with it and for the first time in my life I was empty inside I had nothing to hide worry about it was all gone in one single night, after all the years of torment it was over I was free.
The words I feared for years I could say, I am Transgender and I am me.
Being Transgender or Gay is not a choice, being Transphobic or Homophobic is, so don't be a Twonk