I feel like crap right now I know I can never be who I am so I have to keep hiding away.... my family dont care as long as they are fine in there own little bubbles well let see how they fucking feel when I am dead this is making me feel like I just want to end all the pain now and trust me I have been thinking about it its getting to hard to cope with now no matter what I do I feel like shit always will I cant see any end to the pain FUCK IT ALL sick of me now!!
I am feeling so low right now its been coming on for days, I feel like I just want to curl up and die but I cant I hate the way I look, feel, I just hate everything about my self.... I wish there was a pill to take this feeling away... I cant be true to myself and I know this most probably is never going to change... I see people all the time and just want to them I hate being like this I am not a man but look like one if I want to take a knife and cut my skin and parts off but if I do I will be locked up so thats not an option right now... waking up getting dressed then having to change in case I dont look the way people want me too ... I am so fucking sick of everything now this has to end one way or an other I cant live this way much longer and there could only be one way out of my sad miserable ugly life... I dont know what to do any more an
My god ts cold tonight and that is no good for my boobs lol they hurt enough as it is they seem to be growing quite big just wish they would not hurt so much... I hope the day comes when I can just get up and go out the way I want some how I dont think this will ever happen, I am just going to have to live with that... I know I am starting to go back to my old self I am feeling a little down about my self I also am thinking about shaving my hair off and have done with it... well off for a bath now.....
I still have this feeling that I dont know who I am I worry what people think of me I am starting to fall deeper into my self. I hate feeling this way I wish someone could just push me in the right direction and keep pushing me, people do not understand how it feels to wake up i the morning and just want to cut parts off if I had the bottle I would have done it my self by now, or just cut my wrists that would be the thing my family would understand if I was dead they all could go on with there lives and would never have to worry about any one finding out, this is just getting bloody stupid now.. .. .. .. .. I want to go away and not even contact people I trust me I am thinking about it we now are in a position to do this if we wanted
Its been a long time since I updated this, the reason I have not is because of someone has been causing me some problems, this I hope is now over and I can update every day .. time will tell I guess.... it has been a very good month everything is starting to come together money worries are just about over and things have settled down in my life well for now they have... I have been trying to block everything out now since my last post I wanted to just be accepted by all and the only way I could think of was to just forget everything and hide everything again... well this has not worked all it has done is make me feel horrible, I am living with this but its not easy.... I am in some ways being true to myself but not fully I am not doing or being who I am and yes this is hurting... I know people around me want me to keep this under wraps, people very close to me... I dont know what to do any more its not easy... All I want is to wear what I want be who I am... god I am fucking pissed with it all Now!! just lucky I am good at hiding my feelings
Being Transgender or Gay is not a choice, being Transphobic or Homophobic is, so don't be a Twonk