I went out to town today not sure I should have gone, I just had to buy a new top and lots of chocolate.... oh well lol the kids come in today with a key ring for me :) and a card...... it did make me smile... I am feeling a little strange today not sure what it is, I cant think its like my mind keeps going blank... I am just wondering if it is the champix I have been taking.... sure it will go away.......... right need chocolate and a drink :)
I am up and dressed.. I do like purple well I did until tam said I look like the girl from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory so I have got changed into something a little better... I did think I looked ok... but thinking about it I took advice from Tam!! on how to dress... I am sat here looking at her now in some baggy tracksuit bottoms lol silly me. I should not worry I make everything look fab :).. I am also growing my hair I just wish it would hurry up its taking so long to do.... I will also be stopping smoking tomorrow so fingers crossed wish me luck :) and fingers crossed my Tam is Pregnant....then everything will just fall into place for us :) xxxx
its time for bed, the baby is back asleep after I woke him up but now get to have an early night :) I have been thinking a little today about things and need to think a bit more on this, I dont know how this is going to effect people close to me do I put them first or do I put myself first... one day I know what I want then I start thinking about people... not sure why I am doing this... I have not changed how I feel inside and it is still hurting but I dont want other people to hurt... god I am a mess, I need to sort my head out before I end up with a heart attack with the stress of it.. I am not showing it but my stress levels are so high....
ok just watching a program on tv, and you can get a sex change in Thailand for £3000... like I could afford that wonder if they have a have price weekend or something like that lol could I ever do that I just dont know... I need to think about how it would affect others.. I do not want to hurt anyone.... I am going to start on medication as soon as I can.. this I am 100% going to do
its a nasty day outside :( rain rain rain... the 23rd cant come quick enough I need to start hormones, I am getting to the point where I am going to explode I know I have to go through a lot to get started but unless I start I will have to wait longer... Now all this has started it cant go away and I am screaming inside... I have now started to look in the mirror and I hate so much what I am looking at this is not me god I hate myself so much.. I have to walk around living a lie and this lie is going to kill me, people in the past have been worried it would kill other family members if they found out... but they did not think how its effecting me... if it was not for tam and the kids I would not be here now.... I bet people did not know I have tried to kill myself 2 times now.. first I messed it up as the rope was not strong enough and snapped... second someone stopped me... this is not a feeling I want to come back.. I blocked it out but now I am feeling bad again and I need to be what I am... and not worry what people will say.. if it was not for family I would have had this all fixed by now... stupid fucking homophobic,transphobic from most of them!!! its not me that needs to get fixed its them.. not all of them just 3 of them I know of....I so cant take this feeling any more and I have to put a front on so people dont see how I am feeling.. what sort of life is that... thanks for this, you made me what I am so get over it.... and give me my life back
well its time for bed I have not had much to smoke today I think th champix are starting to work, well I hope so anyway I will see if I can have even less tomorrow or none at all. not sure if some people will be ok if I go ahead with a full op in the future just by the reaction, should I put everything on hold this is some thing I need to think about long and hard,,,, well I must go and sort myself out and get to bed, Good night xxxx
Why must my Daughter do this to me, she only ever calls me when she wants money, not a hi how are you, just can you give me money... I have not seen her for so long.. I keep asking for her to come and see me but she always has something better to do, or is waiting to see if she can find something better to do..if something is going to kill me it going to be this... the stress is getting way to much to cope with... I am putting my life on hold to be treated like shit!! well not for much longer... one more push and I will be over the edge.....
Its a little cloudy today I hope the rain stays away so we can go out, I have been thinking so much about things in the past 5 days and wondering if I should push for the op and transition fully, and I have decided that because I dont like in anyway the parts that I was made to live with, I would be stupid not to do this, I am hoping that I can go on HRT for 3 or 4 years first or this might be the way they do it the information in the UK is not the best, but if I have to keep living like this for much longer I am going to go mad, I am not far from braking point now I can feel it building up and up and I know its going to explode not sure in what way but people better duck if I do....
I cant wait to get into a normal bed it has been a good 4 days but I do miss my bed, it was great to see friends again I cant leave it so long next time, I have had my bath used my nice new foot cream and hand and nail cream and now its time to sleep, I think I will do my nails in the morning, and then I just might go out to a market to see if I can get any new clothes... good night sleep tight :) xxx
Back home after a nice 4 days away.. it was a little wet and but the friends who we where with made up for the rain :) it did feel good to talk to people about things, it was so easy to talk and answer questions, not sure if it was because I know them so well and trust them or because I find it easy now to talk, I did take some nice photos and I will put one or two up, but I am happy to be back as now I can have a bath wash my hair and sort my nails out, and also clean my stuff lol full of mud and crap, and now to get a coffee I missed my coffee so much...... well off to get it
we are away having fun camping :) so all is good the drive here was ok too..... I am sitting in a car park doing this as there is no phone reception on the field where we are... I will put up some nice photos over the weekend... I just hope I can be myself for the next 4 days or so as its been hard living where we live... must run I will update as i can if not i will on sunday :) bye
wow I am 37 did not think I would make it to this age.. but I have lol... I got an other sleep in as baby did not want to get until 8:30 so all good.. just getting ready to go an I can update this as well :) laptop will be with me... I got some lovely things today thank you :) I will from today be living the way I want to so any worries keep them to yourself please.. I cant wait to get to the field the view is so beautiful there... right time for my coffee
I am 37 today and I cant believe I have wasted so long being frightened of what people would think about me, my life has been a lie and I have had to live with the thought I was not what people thought I was, hiding, wishing I was dead.. for what to turn 37 and look back at my life and see what a wast it has been.. I did learn how to lie and hide things well.. I hope people I was hiding from can see how I have been feeling all the years.. try and think in my head for one minuet.. think if you had to hide what you was feeling every day, you wake up and want to be your sister.. every day with out fail... you look in the mirror and hate what you see to the point if you could you would rip your face off and replace it with a female one you would, when you get dressed every day you hate so much what you have to wear, and have to hide trying things on behind a closed door.... then having to lie about feelings... trying to be a hard guy so people will not think that you are more feminine.. and wanting to make your dad happy but all you do is clash with him because you just want to shout out loud... I AM NOT A BOY I AM A GIRL PLEASE HELP ME!! and then it all get way to much all I ever wanted was to be accepted by people who I love.... just put yourself in them shoes for one day I dare you because I have had to do it all my life!!! and it thanks to small minded people in this world who make it hard for TRANSGENDERED people to live the way they want.. without fear of being hurt or ridiculed and pushed away by family.. I bet you could not even last 1 hour in my shoes.. so accept me for who I am not what you think I should be... peace love and all that crap xxxx
We could not get away today ... but now with looking outside I think it could have been for the best :) all is quite good today I have been the doctors and got started on champax to help me stop smoking.. this I need to do as soon as I can... I have been out shopping again today and i did get one or two little things :) well we will be going tomorrow and I will spend my birthday driving and putting up a tent... then I hope having a big slice of lemon cake :) with some very good friends who I have not seen for ages... so looking forward to relaxing with fields and hills all around me :) I think we need it after the last 2 months we have had.... I just hope the rain stay
The day is looking good :) the sun is out, I am at the Doctors a bit later to help with my smoking... so I hope that goes well.. we where going to go away today but we still need to make a little bit more cash... my head is a little strange today not feeling the best I still feel everything is going way to slow I have decided I want everything gone the lot I dont want it I dont need it and I sure as hell dont like it.... this is going to take some time I think unless I get a knife and do it myself... and I don't think that is the best thing to do.. I have tried all sorts of things to keep it all under control and I think I will go back to my old routine starting today... I just wish I could get started on Hormones now but no I have to wait for that too :( I am 37 tomorrow and just want it now not when I am 39 I think I am ready and don't want to wait.............
I think its getting time for bed now today has been ok I have the no smoking thing tomorrow at the Doctors and after that I am wanting to get going to a nice field with nice people and just relax.... I cant wait its been a long 2 months and we are almost out of steam... so the rest will be great :) and to be there on my Birthday will be good too... well time for sleep now I will update more tomorrow :) goodnight sleep tight xx
Today has been a little slow.. I have tried to make some money.. not easy but did do a little.... I also saved some sky give give 25% off because I had a moan at them.... so in the last 2 days I have had Vodafone give me £40 and sky 25% also we got £12 worth of huggies vouchers :) so all good just have to see what else we can do to save and make money.... all has not been so bad we have been out shopping... go what we needed for tonight well got what we could afford and that was not much.. as long as we have what the baby needs we are fine we can eat tomorrow lol or have the nice lentil soup I made MmmmMmmm very nice it was too and enough to last tomorrow too... and dont forget my birthday on Thursday I want a card lol
I had a sleep in 8:30 wow I must have got at least 7 hours sleep last night. We are off to Town today we need to get one or two bits in and sort school things out for the kids, it strange not having them here they are away with there dad, cant wait for them to get back, but that's not for an other week. We are off tomorrow camping I just hope the weather is not that bad its looking good for the weekend so that will do fine for me, today I am feeling so much better I know what I want and where I am going to go with my life, most of the worry has now gone and I can just be who I want to be, I have no more need for ranting about people not accepting me there loss not mine. at the end of the day I have opened this box of wonders and I will die before I will shut it again, I am starting to feel free for the first time in my life and its like a drug I want more and more, I am still a little unsure about showing people the real me but I know this is not going to last very long as I am finding it hard to keep it back, Karla is on her way out people "come along for the ride", but if it is a little scary for you please jump off. I will not be offended in anyway, I have noticed over the last months how uneducated people are and this is scary, do people not read any more? There is so much information out there, please read it and then if you still don't understand I suggest you go back to school and get a real education. start with your ABC and work up to full words..........
This has been one of the hardest days I have had to go through in a long time, but its now over and I am now moving on with things, I now need to step it up a notch why should I hide away I am going to start being a bit more me, and by me I mean Karla I owe this to myself and if I am living a lie and hiding, what is that sending out to others... I have my nails done a nice blue... the only problem is they don't match my toes.. I have had my eyes opened a bit more today just seeing people at Gender matters not caring being true to who they are... and here is me being a coward... it does not make sense to me at all... I am looking forward to the next meeting there I know there is someone who understands and knows what I am feeling... I am going to hold off going to see a doctor just for now as I will wait and see where this goes in the next month or two... I am 37 in 2 days and if you want to buy me something nice I have seen a nice top in Primark (yes I said Primark) but it is nice and I have not seen it being sold anywhere else...
I am back now I do think the guy I seen was very nice.. easy to talk to...I did tell him bits but I am sure he will know more over time.. I dont think I will have a problem talking to him in any way... I am back there next month as he is away for a week or two.. Not sure how long this will have to go on for but for a first step it was not so bad at all..... I was being stupid not wanting to go and very happy I did now... and I do think I might just make some new friends there :)
I am just about to go and take a big jump in to a dark room.. I just hope the person I am seeing has a candle to help me light my way through this and help me come out the other side, well I will only find out if I go.. I do have my own box of matches just in case it goes all wrong so I can find my way out on my own.... and run for the hills.... I have just had something to eat and I need a coffee but this will have to wait.. I don't want to be jumping around lol I will post here later and let people know how this went.... wish me luck :) xxx
God I did not think this day would get here this soon.. its come so quick, I want to go and get this all started but I am so worried about it to the point I am now feeling sick.. this cant be good for my health at all... if I had full backing of some people it would have made this a little better but as I don't I am having to do this with out them... its a very sorry world when the people closest to you can not help and be there for you!! but I will just have to get used to it and they will just have to get used to me.. as from today I think things are going to change and if its not liked well that is not my problem.. I have to now look after me and not worry what others think... once today is over I need to look to the future and what I want and not what others want for me.. control your life and I will control mine, with no exceptions at all.. so please don't ask me not to be who I am and to be what you think I should be, get over it please and get lessons in how to accept things you don't understand, I have done all I can to educate and help understand.. but its not my fault if people are to thick to take it in... its easy if you don't like it don't want it then just... I so want to swear but no I will just say have a happy life because a intend to have one...and if one day you feel that you can accept me for who I am.. I will always be here..... right the most important thing I have to do now more important than all this is to go and get a strong Coffee.... and remember Karla loves you x x
i am going to bed I need my sleep I have the counsellor tomorrow it has come so quick... I don't know what to say I am cacking I don't have the option to run or not go I don think.. I have tried everything not to go... I always run when things like this happen... I cant wait until tomorrow night its then over until the next time.. but next time will be easy.. going to see the Dr is going to be a hard step I don't trust them in any way.. well baby fed and in bed again.. its now my turn good night sleep well :) xx
I have just decided I need to stop smoking.. I have more important things I could spend the money on.. and I cant risk DVT ..... if anyone is smoking Stop its not worth it... I know a lot that read this self medicate dont be stupid please... I will be putting a medical part on here this week.. showing the problems self medication can cause... inc smoking and drinking... so for me tomorrow will be my first day not smoking I hope..
Being Transgender or Gay is not a choice, being Transphobic or Homophobic is, so don't be a Twonk