just had to drive for five hours to get to kent so happy the drive was easy, feeling a little done in now so i will be looking forward to bed tonight... i can now update more as i have a new computer
Starting to feel depressed and crap feel like i am getting no where i am stuck in this fucking stupid body feel like burning it and starting again is this what i have to look forward to for the rest of my life... i am looking at people walking past me every day and wishing i was them going into shops looking at things knowing i can never wear them looking in the mirror and seeing this horrible thing looking back at me I dont want a lot of things in life never have never will but the little things i want i cant have all i can do is look from far away i wish it was me... i am smoking again biting my nails i am not far from just giving in and no one can help fuck i am so messed up right now more than anyone knows i hide it well but its starting to get the better of me and cracks are showing now... i know people just think I am being dramatic but i am hurting so much i was standing in the kitchen today looking at ways to just end the pain but i cant do that too because i am useless at most things.... i drive stupid when i am on my own and i know its in hope some one will do what i cant do and that is how much of a shit bag twat i am so here it is yes i cant live with this any more and i want out of it all.......and then when people are standing around saying what a good person i was i hope just hope they think about the person i truly was and not what they wanted me to be....
I am off to get what I hope is 3 Piercings tomorrow, this is something I have wanted to do for so many years but as I do I conform to other peoples Idea of who and what I should look like, I am seeing this as a big step to to taking my life back and saying to the individuals who have made my life not as good as it should have been, I will be me and nothing they say or do will make me change who I am, I do feel like I have moved on a lot over the last 2 months and I am getting more and more confidence every week, well I hope this is the case. we have been thinking also over the last week and have come to a decision to star a new business venture, we are going to be going down the Alternative Clothing, this is something we both know a lot about I am not going to give any more away right now but we hope to have this up and running before Christmas.
its time for sleep and the good news is I have been sleeping not so bad of late, I think its not taking the Champix of a night I have been feeling like a smoke but I have said no :) but if I cant keep that up its not the end of the world... and I did get a nice new pair of boots from New look on sale :) so did not cost much at all, I am after a pair of jeans from there on sale also but I dont have the money :(
I have not been updating much as I have had some tit thinking he is good commenting on my posts, well I have now found out who it is and it is getting sorted so back to normal for me... I have been adding some links to the site if you look you can see, the reason for this is I cant afford to keep this site going and I don't want to lose it as I know it is helping people.. so I need to some how just cover the cost for the year it is not much so when I reach that all will be good... I will be adding some other pages with money off vouchers soon... we all could use a little help as Christmas is on the way....
Back from a long weekend away, the last week has been a little trying to say the least everyone for some reason has been getting on my nerves, I also give in and lit a cigarette but quickly put it out as it made me sick, after all the crap about ear rings from people when I seen them not a word.... I also have a new phone so all good just lucky it did not cost me anything at all... I do have some new stuff to wear so of
well Its time for a bath, I have just been watching a program on tv and its rubbish so think I will watch something else when I get out, I dont think I am feeling much better I have so much in my head and I cant shift it I wish I could just go away and hide but I cant.. I cant see what is wrong about me being who I am, I dont class myself as totally stupid I know am not the sharpest but why is it so wrong... i wish I could see what it is in peoples minds that think this... Boy, Girl does it matter.. I would give anything to change the world of people like that..... I am not sure any one wants to upset me right now as I am not far from going off so be warned.. fuck with me at your own risk.... right off to take a bath with a toaster :) I wonder what it would be like would you fry right away of would it take time and fry nice and slow... god I need to fuck this o
Off to get the boy form school soon think I need the drive I went out to get lunch before and yet again I was thinking stupid things I feel like I am in a very dark place right now a lot darker than I think I have ever been in, I am just feeling like I have no where to go I am going around and around and around getting no where at all, I dont think people care much if they are hurting me as long as there little lives are not messed with.... well guess what you have fucked with mine for a long time now with your dam stupid attitudes and out dated ideas of life... I know I am not that smart but I do know a little about life and I care about people even the ones I do not know personally and would never do anything to harm hurt or make them feel half as bad as people have made me... so that in some way makes me smarter than you... well need to get ready and go.. I might not be able to update much as I have no computer... I forgot how much I needed this to get all the crap out my head I will have to think of a way to get back online full time... thats if I am still here to do so if not then it does not matter does it.... you never know I could get hit by a bus tomorrow or a plane or fall down a w
I am not a perfect person....
And I don't try to be.....
I am just another imprisoned soul
That is longing to be set free....
I don't want to be in this place anymore
I don't want to shed anymore tears
I'm sick of always hiding inside of myself
This has gone on for too many years
I don't want to show my emotions
Or to tell you how I feel
I just want to know the difference
Between what is fake and what is real
No one knows the real me
does it matter girl or boyl?
Try to live like me try to live a lie
I am not sure you understand all I want to do is cry
My life is getting worthless the longer I have to hide
What is it with Karla that people think
I should keep inside
I just want to let people know the longer this goes on
the more I want to die
Right now I am fighting very hard but soon I feel
I will lose so if this does come to pass please
dont feel any pain as it was me that could not win
and the stupid people in the world can bend and kiss ,my ASS!!!
I have this horrible bad feeling in the pit of my stomach and I don't know what it is and its getting worse as time is passing, I am hoping by putting it down on here I will realise what it is... god I am just totally confused about everything tonight... and I mean everything hate feeling like this but I know what people will say suck it up and you will be ok well how about no I will not be fucking ok because my life is a stupid mess and I cant fix it, my head is a mess my body is everything is, I just need to start again from scratch there are some things I cant fix or help and I need to find a way to do it I have tried my best and people still think this is something to brush under the carpet and forget about, I need to sleep for a long time...... and a plus I have a new piercing that hurt a little when I got it done think I will go and get more and more that way I can take the focus from everything and just be a freak like people think I am... and dont text, call, message me saying (are you talking about me) because I will lie to you and say no.... after all if you are not with me you are against me and the reason I and fucking close to a total melt down so when I go off remember you might have had a hand in this and I hope you can live with the thought of it because if it was me I would be fucked up by it.... I wish I could drink as I would drink my self silly but I don't do things like that I am just talking shit now and need to sort baby out...!!!
Stupid people really get to me why is it that if its something you don't know much about or understand you have a go, how about try something a little smart for a change crawl out from under you little dark rock yes that one the one that shelters you from the outside world and do a little research, yes I said it research I know this might be a little hard to understand for some people so please sound the word out RE...SEA...RCH now if you still cant get it look it up in a thesaurus, and NO that's not a dinosaur you uneducated Neanderthal, now take all this good advice and go and do something useful... right back to the blog I have had an ear stretcher in for 2 days now, and would you be believe I have had people giving me so much crap over it like I am not an adult, is this what the world is coming to now when you cant do or be what you want oh well.. on a good note we won on the lotto tonight £5.90 so I am going to have a good day tomorrow spending it now what do I get with that :) Little man is still a little ill his tummy is not good we have sent a sample off to the doctors I do hope all is good with it and its just his teeth... and today I talked to my sister in law about me I knew she would be fine with things but was a little worried about my brother as he can be a little hot headed at times but I am sure she can tip a bucket of clear liquid over his head :) I have also decided it could be time to tell people about me now get it out so I can get on with things.. if they have a problem with it then they can get out my life until the time they are ok with it.. yes it will hurt but not as much as this is hurting now... well off to bed good night world xxx
I am back on line for a bit I had to sell my laptop to pay some bills, but I have now pinched the step daughters laptop as she is grounded and not aloud on it lol.... well it has been a funny week end been shopping with a little cash I had over from the sale of the laptop and got some things new jeans and a top that have gone back to the shop as we have had some money come out that was not anticipated also I got an ear stretcher so I can put a plug or a tunnel in it hurt like hell lol but sure it will get better the bigger it goes well I hope so. I have also just got a parking ticket and he smiled at me when he give it not sure he will ever do that again, I did lose it a little....my other half has started a blog pop over and take a look :)
I have not updated much of late I don't want to come across as a stupid moaning sod... and I have had nothing good to say about anyone or anything... so I have just been keeping quiet...I have been out shopping and got one or two things.. but I hate it when I go out I see so much I want to wear I could have have loads today cheap and nice and in season all the right colours but could not get them as the where way to female for me to wear... this is starting to boil my piss this is I cant cope any more with it... part of me thinks I should have just ended it all years ago in hope I would be born right the next time around.. but then I see what I have and I am glad I am here but I am going to have to do something about all this even if I have to go back to being the old me who Hides everything away and blocks everything out... because I can not cope any more.. when people look they see Karl well I don't see anyone now all I am seeing is a black hole with no end to it.. and I dont want that... I have been dressing a little different in the last weeks and I want to keep it gong but know I cant and because of this I think it might be best just to forget everything and reve
Back home from a very testing weekend, I was happy to see my mum on her birthday.. but could have done without all the crap that came with it... why is it when I want to have a nice weekend with family it always ends up like world war 3.... to say I am happy to be home is an understatement nice and quiet... I was also getting a little sick of hearing the same old crap from people saying I am more like a woman than a man lol well if only they knew..... well I have a week now of quiet and a weekend of quiet too so needed... well i need bed I am so tired and feeling a little under the weather, if I am not dead I will update tomorrow :) Night x
Being Transgender or Gay is not a choice, being Transphobic or Homophobic is, so don't be a Twonk